• “The smartest historical sci-fi adventure-romance story ever written by a science Ph.D. with a background in scripting 'Scrooge McDuck' comics.”—Salon.com
  • A time-hopping, continent-spanning salmagundi of genres.”
  • “These books have to be word-of-mouth books because they're too weird to describe to anybody.”
    —Jackie Cantor, Diana's first editor

Pam’s "Ode to a Penis"


(As in—I did NOT write this—proud though I would have been to do so [g]. No, no—this is the stellar handiwork of Ms. Pamela Patchet, multi-winner of the Surrey International Writers Conference Silly Poetry Contest, Honorable Mention (more than once) in the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest, and holder of many other distinguished titles, I’m sure. Many thanks to Pam for giving me permission to post her poem here!)


How does a writer describe the aroused male member in a romance novel without tarnishing the family jewels?

Despite thousands of words used to describe Wee Willy Winkie (Mark Morton lists 1,300 in his book The Lover’s Tongue: A Merry Romp Through The Language Of Love And Sex), none seem to adequately convey the language of love, with its most obvious method of delivery, without giggles. One might argue the biggest organ of love is the brain, but a man’s brain is not the organ which makes its presence most boldly known in the throes of passion.

But how does a writer of romance describe ‘It’ without ruining the moment? There’s no denying ‘It’ is there – its presence is as keenly felt as the relentless prodding of a Labrador’s nose against an outstretched hand.

One might wish to use a soft touch and describe a poet’s Dart of Love. A knight shields his Lance of Love, his Excalibur seeks its sheath. A fighting man thrusts his Hooded Warrier, or if angered, his Bald Avenger. The CEO fires his Executive Staff Member, the chef heats up his Meat ‘n Potatoes, the outdoorsman handles his Rod and Tackle, and the butcher unwraps his 100% All Beef Thermometer.

No, I think for romance to work, allusion is everything. I humbly offer up the following poem:

Ode to a Penis


Advice For Romance Writers

I think that I shall never see,

a penis lovely as a tree.

Though both can be described at length,

it’s best you don’t.

Please show some strength.

For ample members are best left

(even when one’s hands are deft)

untouched by writers’ florid prose,

whether roused,

or in repose.

So drop the little one-eyed snake,

of other things you should partake.

Admittedly, they do enthrall,

but after one, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Tagged as:

33 Responses »

  1. Diana:

    I adore The Penis as much
    as any girl, but such
    Is the Beast
    that one must only feast
    in the privacy of home.

    Never will I write
    of anything so trite
    as Lover’s Staff or Mighty Prick,
    Sword of Love or Throbbing Dick…..

    Oh, rats! I can’t think of any more — I’m too tired. Please forgive the assault.


  2. Pam, you are a treasure.

    And I remember the circumstances under which you first wrote this poem, yes, indeedy. [g]

  3. Can’t remember where I first read this poem. The other day I searched for Ode to the Penis, you wouldn’t believe all the Ode’s that popped up(so to speak)on this subject. Why.. not.. have ode’s to the male member of the family. I have certainly had to read enough about…creamy breasts, voluptuous knockers, and ripe melons to name a few descriptions of the female. But as to the penis, is also good to leave someting to the imagination.

  4. Good Grief, I’m still rolling on the floor! Brilliant! LOL Why haven’t we seen more of her humor?

  5. Oh, thanks for that, Diana! I’d nearly forgotten about that one. I don’t see how…

    Linked to it from my blog too!

  6. Beth, I believe your penis started this. And when I say “your” penis, well, you know what I mean.(g)

    Sharaf, you can’t find Ode To A Penis anywhere else because it hasn’t been published. Shocking, I know, because there must a HUGE market for humorous poems about the penis, but there you are.

    Ah, love ya, Diana.(g)

  7. Well, all I can say is, I posted it, with full credit of course, in the Cellar on my message board and so far, all of the responses are posts filled with ROFL smileys!!

    I LOVE it! Perhaps you could do an entire collection of penis poems….


  8. Nightsmusic,

    A collection of penis poems?

    Ah yes, a seminal book of epic proportions.


  9. OMG!!!! Dying here!!! ROFL ROFL

  10. Novel woman: You are right, I didn’t find this particular poem when I looked it up on the web. There was one called “Ode to the Circumcised Penis”. There were other’s I didn’t explore. So this one was never in print, umm, I wonder what it was I had read? Oh well, now I can say for sure I’ve read it.
    Wonder what it is about the word “penis” that makes it difficult to say or write about. It’s given a 100 different names but the correct one. Even my husband can’t even say the name. It’s always Me and the Boys. I blame it on his mother. You would not beleive what she use to call it.

  11. Sharaf,

    You can’t leave us hanging (no pun intended) like this. What did your mother-in-law call it?

    My parents, for reasons known only to them, called it a dingus, which always puts me in mind of Meryl Streep in that Australian movie who says, “A dingo stole my baby!”

    Now there’s a visual…

  12. Novel Woman:
    I really was hoping the word would go with her to her grave. I don’t know if I can spell it, but here goes. “Jew-jew” or “ju-ju”. Nobody in her family knew where she got it. The first time my husband said the word, I started out with a grin, then a giggle, and the more I thought about it I went into uncontrolable laughing. I know it’s just a silly little word, but I couldn’t imagine my husband and his brother out behind the barn discussing their Ju-Ju’s.

  13. Pam:

    You’ll be happy to know that, upon reading your poem to my DH, he whipped out his Manroot, or should I call it his “Bald Avenger,” for me to handle deftly!


  14. Just a follow up to my recent comment. In the literary sense, can’t you just see the fair maiden swooning over that word.

  15. Oh, too funny! Thank you Diana and Pam. I’ve only ever heard my DH use the phrase “one-eyed snake!”


  16. Too funny! And great advice.

  17. I have been thinking about why author’s use such descriptive prose in describing the female and male anatomy. Maybe if they used clinical terms it would soon read like a medical text book. Now that would soon kill the mood. I suppose it’s also to show sensitivity to all readers different views of sex. It can get quite hilarious without meaning to. You really do have to stretch your imagination sometimes just to understand what part of the body they are describing and what’s its purpose.

  18. ROFL Hilarious! It’s about time someone wrote a poem about this adorable tool. lol

  19. Well, my ex calls his penis his “dinker.” I have no idea why he would call it that, let alone admit to it…

  20. Monta:
    I hope you don’t get offended. Maybe, your ex was referring to size.

Leave a Response

Please note: comment moderation is enabled and may delay your comment. There is no need to resubmit your comment.